I've always been a positive, happy guy, I have never had any mental health issues. But after going through cancer and heart disease I find myself constantly thinking of death, just what it means and what it looks like. I've also spent far too much time worrying about how I would survive if my wife were to die instead of simply enjoying the great life that we have right now. If it continues I may talk to someone, I mean I've been through a lot and I guess my thoughts are somewhat understandable.
Oh, I so empathise with this.
I was always the uber positive happy guy too, and still am mostly. But between 10 and 15 years ago, things just happened to really get under my skin and my mind hasn't really ever bounced back to where it was before.
Death was a big one for me too. Not that I had anything life threatening happen to me, but I was there when both my grandparents died (different occassions!) and that really started making me thing. When I hit 50, I noticed a real shift in my thought patterns. I morbidly started thinking in terms of years in front of me rather than behind me.
The other thing that really impacted me, as I hinted at earlier, was being in an abusive relationship. Not one where I was being hit or anything, but a mental one. My partner at the time had kids, which I took on as my own. SHe was very melodramatic and always causing drama. She'd have extreme mood swings and threaten to kill herself, and I weathered the storm for almost a decade, before calling time on it. I should have called time MUCH earlier, but I loved those kids. Eventually I started to see how that life was affecting me. I was miserable, neglected my friends to the point I had no one to turn to, I'd drained all my money trying to keep her happy... It was stupid, and I deeply regret it now.
Getting out of the relationship was one thing, but what drove me into depression was realising how bad my life had become. Therapy was absolutely what I needed to start realising self worth again.
It took a while to build my life back up. Get my old friends back, make new ones. Get out of debt and my life back on track. Now I have my wife Jess, and she's wonderful. The exact opposite of my ex. She's supportive, and so cool and calm. No drama. She loves me and supports me in everything I do. I wouldn't have pursued writing and got books published without her backing. She's been amazing.
WE don't have kids, and that's the one thing I regret. I'm 54 now and I figure that ship sailed, which is kinda sad. I dote on my nephews though, and weirdly those kids from that doomed relationship contacted me as soon as they turned 18, so they're a part of my life.
But there are times when I have moments of sadness creep in at lost opportunities and how I wasted years of my life I'll never get back.
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