The Mental Health Thread

[Boone]

I wonder how common mental health issues really are, especially among males, and how people deal with them?

So, forgive me for getting vaguely personal but, I have had a really bad week. I guess I am your typical male in that when something is bothering me, I keep it inside. In this case, I have been in turmoil about a personal situation that has gone off the rails. I have been so upset that I can hardly function. I struggled with work all week, I struggled between wanting to go to sleep at 6:30 pm so I didn't have to think about my 'issue' anymore and not being able to sleep at all. I have had zero appetite and have only eaten 1 small meal every day this week, and that only because I knew I had to eat something. I've lost 6 lbs in the span of 5 days.

It is my normal personality to be able to shrug stuff off, immerse myself in something and distract myself, or just tell myself I don't care. I am a Marine - and although I prize that experience, it is not always helpful in these kinds of circumstances. I have not been able to do any of those things this week. And I have been utterly miserable.

I don't have a lot of friends (I don't say that to solicit sympathy, lol) but I think that's true of a lot of men in particular. I did reach out to my best friend here - who knows all of the ugly specifics - and who as always offered what emotional support and empathy he could. I so appreciate his support, but that only goes so far.

I spin on things in my head. I am sure this is driven by anxiety. There is definitely an aspect of it that is compulsive and obsessive. My mother had terrible anxiety and I think I probably have similar issues. I don't show my anxiety except to the people I am closest too, and even then I rarely will share much about what is going on with them. I would not say I have any depression issues in general - other than 'situationally'. I am definitely way down right now because of the situation I find myself in. But I am generally an upbeat optimistic person.

I know, being human and all, that I cannot possibly be alone with mental health issues. I wonder how many of you struggle at times and what you do about it when you do?

I know a lot of folks would recommend therapy or counseling of some kind. Hell - I've recommended that to folks I love. But I am so private I don't think I could do it. I know exercise, getting enough sleep, all of those self-care activities can be helpful. I just thought it might be worth asking here if there are things people have done that were really helpful?

If there is anyone who is willing to share I would appreciate it.

 

[Faithful Fan]

It’s funny I never post in this forum, but I clicked on this for a reason, so maybe I’ll share a bit. I went through a similar situation once. Bad break up, far from home, lonely, depressed, etc. I was experiencing grief over the loss: guilt, bargaining, anger, etc. I started having problems at work and was given two weeks leave and six free talk therapy sessions.

The therapist was okay, talking did help, but I really appreciated his practical advice: Breathe, focus on your breathing, deep breaths. Eat regular meals, don’t just eat whatever whenever, plan your meals. Sleep, have a normal bed time. Exercise, take a walk, take a hike, golf, lift, ball, whatever it is you do. It seems obvious but these are simple action steps that do help, taking care of your body can calm your mind. You said you know this.

I also find the serenity prayer helps.

Beyond that it just takes time. It’s hard to believe when you’re suffering, and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it, but it will pass.

 

[Commander PK]

Boone, they are common. Most every man in my life family or friend has had times when they struggled.

I had a personal crisis in my life in 2005. Ironically, I started a thread on Extremeskins in the Tailgate to help me cope. The thread and some very helpful connections there full of great advice did help me with my eventual recovery.

…but the whole truth, is that I never fully “recovered” from what happened. The truth is that eventually there are things that happen to you in your life you just learn to live with and they become part of you and how you view and approach the world. For me, it was a relationship that I had invested 100% of myself into, unfortunately as they say….She wasn’t as in to me as I was in to her…at least not for the last year and 1/2 or so of 5. For most of our last months together, I knew something was wrong. However, I stuck my head in the sand and pretended that we were not growing apart. Again, I put 100% of myself into this relationship. I would not let it fail, even if I knew it probably should. Took about a year and 1/2 before I was ready to move on. For about another year after that… I ran wild. I eventually reconnected with an old friend from high school who became my wife. The love of my life and the mother of my son. By the time we got together, we were different people than we were in high school as well. Life experiences had shaped us both. The time was right for us.

Also ironically, the man I am today is the man my former wanted me to be. My wife got the best version of me. I would not be who I am today without that experience, and I like what I became.

Bottom line my friend, whatever it is…you will get past it. You will move on. The pain will become less and less as time goes on. You will remember lessons learned. You will be a better you because of this experience.

The best advice I can give you is take care of yourself. Get plenty of sleep. Don’t drink in excess, eat healthy. I know you said you don’t think you can, but I can tell you to definitely see a therapist if you need to. When I had my issues. I went for several months twice a week. Eventually, I realized I didn’t need to go anymore and just stopped. When the time is right, you would do the same. If you need to call a help line call the line. It is perfectly ok to not be ok, even for a Marine. The manlier move is to admit that you need help and have the inner-strength to see it through. Brooding in misery and wallowing in self-pity is the easy way.

You will eventually find yourself again. You will be happy again. Believe me.

You are not alone in this fight.

 

[Commander PK]

I would also add that once I was ready I threw myself into a fitness regimen that put me in the best shape of my life. I was in decent shape before, I’m in ok shape now…but for about three years I was an absolute beast. I took my anger and frustration out on weights…and I beat the living shit out of them until I was utterly spent. Best sleep I ever had also, lol.

No doubt, some of the best therapy I ever had in my life was bench pressing heavy weight.

 

[Boone]

It’s funny I never post in this forum, but I clicked on this for a reason, so maybe I’ll share a bit. I went through a similar situation once. Bad break up, far from home, lonely, depressed, etc. I was experiencing grief over the loss: guilt, bargaining, anger, etc. I started having problems at work and was given two weeks leave and six free talk therapy sessions.

The therapist was okay, talking did help, but I really appreciated his practical advice: Breathe, focus on your breathing, deep breaths. Eat regular meals, don’t just eat whatever whenever, plan your meals. Sleep, have a normal bed time. Exercise, take a walk, take a hike, golf, lift, ball, whatever it is you do. It seems obvious but these are simple action steps that do help, taking care of your body can calm your mind. You said you know this.

I also find the serenity prayer helps.

Beyond that it just takes time. It’s hard to believe when you’re suffering, and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it, but it will pass.

Thanks for that brother. I definitely think 'taking care of myself' is probably at the top of the list. I am still struggling with sleep and I just have no appetite but I'm going to work on it. I know it will pass. There have been devastating things in my younger life that I never thought I would get over. Of course, time heals a lot of wounds... Appreciate the comments!

 

[Boone]

Boone, they are common. Most every man in my life family or friend has had times when they struggled.

I had a personal crisis in my life in 2005. Ironically, I started a thread on Extremeskins in the Tailgate to help me cope. The thread and some very helpful connections there full of great advice did help me with my eventual recovery.

…but the whole truth, is that I never fully “recovered” from what happened. The truth is that eventually there are things that happen to you in your life you just learn to live with and they become part of you and how you view and approach the world. For me, it was a relationship that I had invested 100% of myself into, unfortunately as they say….She wasn’t as in to me as I was in to her…at least not for the last year and 1/2 or so of 5. For most of our last months together, I knew something was wrong. However, I stuck my head in the sand and pretended that we were not growing apart. Again, I put 100% of myself into this relationship. I would not let it fail, even if I knew it probably should. Took about a year and 1/2 before I was ready to move on. For about another year after that… I ran wild. I eventually reconnected with an old friend from high school who became my wife. The love of my life and the mother of my son. By the time we got together, we were different people than we were in high school as well. Life experiences had shaped us both. The time was right for us.

Also ironically, the man I am today is the man my former wanted me to be. My wife got the best version of me. I would not be who I am today without that experience, and I like what I became.

Bottom line my friend, whatever it is…you will get past it. You will move on. The pain will become less and less as time goes on. You will remember lessons learned. You will be a better you because of this experience.

The best advice I can give you is take care of yourself. Get plenty of sleep. Don’t drink in excess, eat healthy. I know you said you don’t think you can, but I can tell you to definitely see a therapist if you need to. When I had my issues. I went for several months twice a week. Eventually, I realized I didn’t need to go anymore and just stopped. When the time is right, you would do the same. If you need to call a help line call the line. It is perfectly ok to not be ok, even for a Marine. The manlier move is to admit that you need help and have the inner-strength to see it through. Brooding in misery and wallowing in self-pity is the easy way.

You will eventually find yourself again. You will be happy again. Believe me.

You are not alone in this fight.

I would also add that once I was ready I threw myself into a fitness regimen that put me in the best shape of my life. I was in decent shape before, I’m in ok shape now…but for about three years I was an absolute beast. I took my anger and frustration out on weights…and I beat the living shit out of them until I was utterly spent. Best sleep I ever had also, lol.

No doubt, some of the best therapy I ever had in my life was bench pressing heavy weight.

I don't know about the 'you'll be a better you' part - it just feels like an emotional ass-kicking that I may well just crawl away bleeding from, lol...

I really appreciate you sharing what you went through. I have been through something similarly when I was younger - lost someone I never thought I would lose, who I thought was 'the one' (the implication being in my mind that there could never be 'another' which of course proved not to be true later). It's brutal.

I know the 'self-care' aspect is important. It's just hard not to wallow and spin. I am working on it. I have no doubt talking to someone might help but I also know that it's unlikely I will go that route unless the feelings I am having don't subside or get worse. I have almost stopped drinking entirely, because it is hard enough managing my mind when it is straight and clear. And I am going to try and dive into the physical stuff because of all the reasons you made the case for it. Thank you again.

 

[skinsmarydu]

It's just hard not to wallow and spin.

This is me. I end up getting lazy, not staying focused on handling things in a timely fashion, can't sleep, don't eat on schedule, etc. My routine got severely screwed up with the pandemic & I'm still trying to get it back.

 

[Boone]

I appreciate the thread replies and special thanks to those who have reached out to me privately. I am fine - I promise - it just helps in some weird way to say 'I'm not doing great' in a transparent way. I am trying to put some of the suggestions into practice and appreciate them.

 

[Ghost of Sarge]

MARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE! SUCK IT UP! PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS! Oh wait, neither of us are in the military anymore . Sorry you're going thru a rough patch. It seems from talking to the few friends I have locally that as we get older, we feel things more intensely and start to lose the ability to compartmentalize and put things away. Like you, most of my friends live in other parts of the country, so it's hard to have a beer and talk, but talking does help. There's no shame in seeking out a counselor. If it helps, it helps. If it doesn't, you move on and try something else. Good luck with it all. I hope you can get it straightened out.

 

[Boone]

The funny thing is, I have a running drill instructor narrative screaming that first line continuously in my head. Unfortunately all of the other parts of my mind are shitbirds who don't listen.

 

[Ghost of Sarge]

The funny thing is, I have a running drill instructor narrative screaming that first line continuously in my head. Unfortunately all of the other parts of my mind are shitbirds who don't listen.

That's our old life. I had the same thing in my head when Mrs Sarge had cancer, and it came in handy at the time. Complete the mission, get her better, no matter what it did to me. I failed. This is our new life, where we still deal with shit we did years ago as well as this shit we're going thru today. Everyone handles things differently, but at least the stigma of reaching out for help seems to have been greatly reduced over the years. Being a broken, high functioning sociopath myself, I don't know what you're going thru and I can't tell you or anyone else how to deal with stuff. You have to deal with it the best you can in a manner that will bring you peace. We've given so much over the years, both in the military and in the civilian world. At this point in life, it's time to take care of you a little. It's a very hard lesson to learn and a very hard thing to do. Reach out if you need to talk.

 

[Boone]

It's funny, yesterday was the 42nd anniversary of my Parris Island boot camp graduation. I cannot believe it has been that long. It certainly was a memorable day.

Whereever you are - thank you GySgt Hodges, SSGT Knowlin, and SSGT Nichols.

 

[SkinsFTW]

I have the same problem beings former military and keeping everything to myself. (This month is the 34 year anniversary of me completing boot camp) It's difficult to allow yourself to find help and share things with others. On top of that a lot of times family members, like parents or sisters, can make you feel even worse so who do you go to?

I agree with all of the advice already given, especially the exercise which can make you feel a lot better quickly without a hangover or relying on medication.

I probably don't have much to add but the one thing that I've had to learn is knowing when you can't change things and not wasting any energy worrying about those things at all. It can be difficult but when you do that and have focus on what you can actually control it makes everything a lot easier.

 

[Commander PK]

I can totally relate to the “all my friends live across the country” thing. All my high school and college friends, “my ride or dies” all moved away from here. My career was here so I stayed. I have “friends” but you never have friends like those from the early days. We are all married now with responsibilities. Just isn’t the same.

 

[RedWolf]

Boone
Music has been a great friend in my life and has gotten me through many beautiful times and difficult times. Not sure if you can relate or not, but it's always good to listen to some of your favorite Tunes to try to bring a smile to your face

Sometimes we think too much see my latest post in the music thread.

 

[Chris]

Why is the hardest person to convince to ‘count your blessings’ always yourself?

 

[Boone]

I think anxiety totally shorts out ones ability to use perspective and logic. It is an awful aspect of it.

 

[Commander PK]

I thought I would share this here as well. Probably the most therapeutic thing I have experienced in my life has been music. This song in particular hit at the right time for me in my life. Even today when the song hits its lyrical and musical peak I get emotional. Very powerful.

 

[Commander PK]

“Whatever takes us away
Will be the same to drive us on
Whatever takes us away
Will be the same to drive us on

Remember to find a new way
A way to see it all
We're finally slipping away
And soon it will be gone
Remember to find a new day
Remember to carry on

So burn it down
Discover the dusk of your day
Has reached its dawn
So burn it down
Remember to find a new way to carry on”

 

[Boone]

I looked up that song so I could read the lyrics and I swear I found 5 different versions ...