The Dad Joke Thread

[MikefromOH]

I've heard it's easy to get ladies to not eat Tide pods. But, it's hard to deter gents.

 

[Boone]

Mike you are owning this thread bro

 

[Burgundy Burner]

Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.

Wife: Why does it say "Do Not Resuscitate"?

 

[Burgundy Burner]

How much does it cost a pirate to have an ear pierced?

A buccaneer.

 

[Burgundy Burner]

I have some great news. It looks like my loan will be approved in the morning. Later in the week, I should be closing on that tank of gas.

 

[MikefromOH]

What do the movies titanic and sixth sense have in common?

Icy dead people...

 

[SkinsOrlando]

So my Hen can count her own eggs, she's a mathmachicken

 

[Burgundy Burner]

 

[China]

I went to the doctor today and he told me I had to stop masturbating.
When I asked why, he said because I'm trying to examine you.


Why are there no pregnant Barbie dolls?
Because Ken came in a different box.


What is Beethoven doing in his grave?
De-composing.

 

[China]

If you build a man a fire, you'll keep him warm for a couple of hours. If you set him on fire, you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.

I can't decide if I like rocking chairs or not. I just keep going back and forth on them.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...

 

[MikefromOH]

 

[Boone]

 

[SkinsOrlando]

I asked Siri why am I so bad with women, she replied, this is Alexa dumbass

I got an email on how to read maps backwards, turns out it was spam

 

[Boone]

A recent law passed in Hawaii makes it illegal to laugh loudly.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

 

[Boone]

Bra says to a hat ‘You go on ahead, I’ve gotta give these 2 a lift’

 

[Fat Bastard]

I visited my doctor today, he told me that I'm going deaf.

That was difficult to hear.