I had just finished working a midnight shift at my old job when I learned of Sean's passing. I left work, and headed for Redskins Park, not knowing, nor caring whether fans arriving to pay their respects would be turned away or what.
I stopped and picked up some flowers and a Redskins balloon along the way, and arrived to find the beginnings of a makeshift memorial at the tall pine tree at the entrance to the park.
It was then, when I saw the homemade signs, the flowers, the mourners like me shedding tears, that the shock wore off and the real grief set in.
Strangers hugged. We shared stories. We cried. A lot. But that was where I needed to be....where WE needed to be.
I stayed for probably two hours, and left emotionally exhausted.
I was in the midst of a bitter divorce back then. So everything I felt about anything was just compounded that much more. Following the back-to-back timeout fiasco of the Bills game, I broke down and sobbed like a little girl at the post-game tailgate. Embarrassing? Sure. But I was just defeated, broken, and mourning so many things at once.
I don't think I can express how badly I wanted that game...how much I wanted to win one for Sean. I left my vocal chords AND my heart in the stands that night.
With each passing year, I still get choked up when 11/27 approaches. Sometimes it's a few days before. Sometimes that day. Sometimes it's during the game that immediately follows that date. But it always hits me. I always get misty-eyed. And I always wonder what could have been.
I think about his daughter Jackie a lot this time of year. How she'll continue to grow up, not really knowing her dad. How to her, he'll be pictures and videos. Someone to be proud of, certainly, but not someone with whom she can have a relationship. That sucks. And it pisses me off.
But it's then that I realize how superficial my "loss" is. And how much more difficult it must be for those who knew and loved our Redskin brother. I pray for them. I offer them the sincerest condolences I'm able. And I promise that I will never let them forget what WE think of Sean Taylor.
God rest you, Sean. I hope you see our small tokens of remembrance; and I hope they make you smile. Redskins Nation just isn't the same without you, brother.
#21 forever.
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