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Grantland: Jerry Jones is the New Oilman

Not all divisions are created equal


The Legend
BGO Ownership Group
Feb 1, 2010
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Waynesboro, VA

James Madison

Here at the start of Week 5, Dallas Cowboys fans have reached a crossroads. We could keep watching Tony Romo and the Cowboys players. Or we could turn our undivided attention to Jerry Jones, the Cowboys owner. Let's break down the matchup:

The actual Cowboys: Figure lots of humiliating losses like Monday night's 34-18 rout, lots of sacks through the middle of the porous offensive line, and the same constant state of terror Romo feels when a ball is sailing toward Dez Bryant's hands.

The Cowboys' owner: Figure fun stuff like this:

In Week 1, Jones was sitting in a box at MetLife Stadium while his son-in-law, Shy Anderson, cleaned his glasses. NBC cameras caught the tender act of subservience. With a less self-confident millionaire, it would rate as an embarrassment. With Jones, it was a chance to market Jerry Wipes microfiber cloths for $2.99.1

On TV, we Jerry Watchers were rewarded with the sight of Jones rapping. Actually, in an ad for Papa John's, Jones did a white man's rap parody that even the ad agencies abandoned in the early 1990s. ("Yo, it lights me up like a Roman candle / toppings and flavors almost too good to handle.") Rappin' Jerry was a sequel to Papa John's ads featuring Dancin' Jerry (doing his version of The Urkel) and Coachin' Jerry (toying with the idea that was once every Cowboys fan's worst nightmare). I'd include Negotiatin' Jerry in this list, but that ad was for Pizza Hut.

Jones starred in a Monday Night Football commercial alongside Rob Gronkowski and Darrelle Revis. It's no real surprise anymore that Jones would be cast in the spot instead of his players. Nor that Jones — instead of, say, Jim Irsay — would get a call to make a cameo on FX's The League.

Jones has also played life coach. He imposed a set of rules on Dez Bryant, who was arrested for allegedly assaulting his mother in the offseason,2 that included a midnight curfew, no alcohol, and no strip clubs. Jones made news on the web. In a rare cheapskate moment, he lost out on the domain name for Cowboys.com, letting it become a dating site for small-c cowboys and the men who love them.

If we turn back the clock to April 26, Jones was (again) the star of the NFL draft, trading multiple picks for cornerback Morris Claiborne. Before Monday's loss to the Bears, he opened a Victoria's Secret PINK store inside Cowboys Stadium that has "lace-trimmed hipster panties" in its catalog.


I would be curious if his glasses cleaner would make a better personnel guy...

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