Sometimes words can't describe what someone means in your life, or how much it affects you when they are gone.
Brian was my best friend, my brother. I was closer to him than I have ever been to anyone. We shared everything, our good times, our fears, our struggles, our successes. For the last 14 yrs he has been a rock in my life. But on Sept 30, Brian committed suicide. The demons he struggled with were too much for him to over come. He took a bunch of pills, drank some alcohol and the cops found him slumped over the wheel in his truck, in a random parking lot. I got the call the following morning. The pain I felt that moment is indescribable. The hole in my heart can never be filled, and I will miss him every day, every moment for the rest of my life.
Brian and I were cops together. He had been an explorer with the state patrol, worked in the county jail and was a cop for 2 yrs before I was hired. He lived and breathed law enforcement. It was all he ever wanted to do in life. When we met, I was a rookie- and in our dept rookies were hazed big time. Brian was never short on giving me grief. As a matter of fact, I really didn't even like him at first. But after many calls, and I had the chance to prove myself- we bonded. We were always on the same squad. We must have worked thousands of calls together. My head is full of a million memories of him.
When I became a K9 officer, Brian was my dogs favorite "bad guy". He trained with me all the time. He even drove to California with me when I got my 2nd dog. He was my primary back up officer on most of my K9 searches. He was someone I could count on, at work and in my personal life. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. A loyal man, a funny man. A guy who would give you **** one minute, but give you the shirt off his back the next. He was an incredible cop. One who was never afraid to go hands on, but one who would give a person a hug when they needed it. One time some ladies got caught stealing diapers and formula at Wal Mart, and Brian convinced them to not press charges if he paid for the items.
But Brian was also dealing with PTSD, and some medical issues. After his 2nd back surgery, he got hooked on pain pills. I left the dept to finish my degree in social work, and he left about a year later. However, Brian didn't leave because he wanted to, Brian had no choice. His addiction, and his changed behavior cost him the only thing he ever wanted in life- to be a cop. Well, it also cost him his marriage.
For the last 6yrs, I have been there with him through all of his struggles. Through suicide threats, attempts, treatment, financial issues- to the high moments when he had 2 yrs sober and making good money again. There were times we cried with each other, and many times of laughter. In the last couple of years, I can't recall a day we didn't talk or text. We lived on opposite sides of the state- but our friendship never dwindled. I think it actually got stronger. Brian had really pulled away from his family, from nearly everyone else but me. We would tell each other often how much we meant to each other. And he would say in this kid like voice, "I love ya buddy"
Last year Brian was doing so good financially, that he flew me to Seattle for a weekend and took me to see the Seahawks get annihilated by the Giants. It was the last time I saw him.
Brian relapsed sometime last winter. It was slow progression- and there were times he would go days, or weeks clean. Over the summer I could tell it was getting worse. He was not making much money at work (on commission selling home loans)- and was struggling just to buy groceries.
There were days he would text me that he couldn't do it, he couldn't go on. And I would tell him, please, if for anything- you gotta stay around for me. I would tell him that if he ever left, I would be hearbroken for life. I would beg him to keep fighting, stay strong, that he could do it. I said everything I could think of so he knew I love him, everyone loved him - every word I could come up with to keep him around.
During August/Sept it was a daily occurrence to get 8-10 text messages from him at once. He would text literally, all day, all evening. And it was hard to keep up. There were days I felt it was too much on me emotionally. It was draining. But there was never a time I wanted to just give up on him. I refused to quit on him. I prayed for him, tried to get him to go to church, meetings, anything to keep him going. Anything to keep him fighting away the demons that tortured his soul.
The Monday night football game that the Redskins played Dallas, I didn't talk to him much. He knew it was b/c of the game. But he seemed to have been doing better the few days leading up to then. We text a few times on Tue and Wed- but I didn't hear from him that Thur or Fri. On Friday, Sept 30, I had text him a few times, but he never answered. I started to get worried. Saturday morning I said to my g/f, "I haven't heard from Brian. He's either in jail, the hospital or dead."
My worst nightmare came true. And a week later I drove back to the town we spent years protecting, and I buried my best friend. I've been on auto pilot ever since.
There is no one in this world that can understand the bond cops have, unless you are one. And there is no one in this world that understands what is like being an ex-cop, unless you are one. Brian was my one person who understood me like nobody else could. And now he is gone. And now I feel so empty, so lonely. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, wondering is this all real?
I didn't cry a whole lot at his funeral. I didn't cry much when I saw him laying in that casket. But there have been a few times that its hit me, and I've lost it. I know it will be like that for some time- good days and bad days.
Some may wonder why I would spill my guts on a message board full of strangers. I guess I don't have much of an answer. Maybe now you can see a glimpse into who I am, what my story is - more than just some random chick on a message board.
Brian was my best friend, my brother. I was closer to him than I have ever been to anyone. We shared everything, our good times, our fears, our struggles, our successes. For the last 14 yrs he has been a rock in my life. But on Sept 30, Brian committed suicide. The demons he struggled with were too much for him to over come. He took a bunch of pills, drank some alcohol and the cops found him slumped over the wheel in his truck, in a random parking lot. I got the call the following morning. The pain I felt that moment is indescribable. The hole in my heart can never be filled, and I will miss him every day, every moment for the rest of my life.
Brian and I were cops together. He had been an explorer with the state patrol, worked in the county jail and was a cop for 2 yrs before I was hired. He lived and breathed law enforcement. It was all he ever wanted to do in life. When we met, I was a rookie- and in our dept rookies were hazed big time. Brian was never short on giving me grief. As a matter of fact, I really didn't even like him at first. But after many calls, and I had the chance to prove myself- we bonded. We were always on the same squad. We must have worked thousands of calls together. My head is full of a million memories of him.
When I became a K9 officer, Brian was my dogs favorite "bad guy". He trained with me all the time. He even drove to California with me when I got my 2nd dog. He was my primary back up officer on most of my K9 searches. He was someone I could count on, at work and in my personal life. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. A loyal man, a funny man. A guy who would give you **** one minute, but give you the shirt off his back the next. He was an incredible cop. One who was never afraid to go hands on, but one who would give a person a hug when they needed it. One time some ladies got caught stealing diapers and formula at Wal Mart, and Brian convinced them to not press charges if he paid for the items.
But Brian was also dealing with PTSD, and some medical issues. After his 2nd back surgery, he got hooked on pain pills. I left the dept to finish my degree in social work, and he left about a year later. However, Brian didn't leave because he wanted to, Brian had no choice. His addiction, and his changed behavior cost him the only thing he ever wanted in life- to be a cop. Well, it also cost him his marriage.
For the last 6yrs, I have been there with him through all of his struggles. Through suicide threats, attempts, treatment, financial issues- to the high moments when he had 2 yrs sober and making good money again. There were times we cried with each other, and many times of laughter. In the last couple of years, I can't recall a day we didn't talk or text. We lived on opposite sides of the state- but our friendship never dwindled. I think it actually got stronger. Brian had really pulled away from his family, from nearly everyone else but me. We would tell each other often how much we meant to each other. And he would say in this kid like voice, "I love ya buddy"
Last year Brian was doing so good financially, that he flew me to Seattle for a weekend and took me to see the Seahawks get annihilated by the Giants. It was the last time I saw him.
Brian relapsed sometime last winter. It was slow progression- and there were times he would go days, or weeks clean. Over the summer I could tell it was getting worse. He was not making much money at work (on commission selling home loans)- and was struggling just to buy groceries.
There were days he would text me that he couldn't do it, he couldn't go on. And I would tell him, please, if for anything- you gotta stay around for me. I would tell him that if he ever left, I would be hearbroken for life. I would beg him to keep fighting, stay strong, that he could do it. I said everything I could think of so he knew I love him, everyone loved him - every word I could come up with to keep him around.
During August/Sept it was a daily occurrence to get 8-10 text messages from him at once. He would text literally, all day, all evening. And it was hard to keep up. There were days I felt it was too much on me emotionally. It was draining. But there was never a time I wanted to just give up on him. I refused to quit on him. I prayed for him, tried to get him to go to church, meetings, anything to keep him going. Anything to keep him fighting away the demons that tortured his soul.
The Monday night football game that the Redskins played Dallas, I didn't talk to him much. He knew it was b/c of the game. But he seemed to have been doing better the few days leading up to then. We text a few times on Tue and Wed- but I didn't hear from him that Thur or Fri. On Friday, Sept 30, I had text him a few times, but he never answered. I started to get worried. Saturday morning I said to my g/f, "I haven't heard from Brian. He's either in jail, the hospital or dead."
My worst nightmare came true. And a week later I drove back to the town we spent years protecting, and I buried my best friend. I've been on auto pilot ever since.
There is no one in this world that can understand the bond cops have, unless you are one. And there is no one in this world that understands what is like being an ex-cop, unless you are one. Brian was my one person who understood me like nobody else could. And now he is gone. And now I feel so empty, so lonely. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, wondering is this all real?
I didn't cry a whole lot at his funeral. I didn't cry much when I saw him laying in that casket. But there have been a few times that its hit me, and I've lost it. I know it will be like that for some time- good days and bad days.
Some may wonder why I would spill my guts on a message board full of strangers. I guess I don't have much of an answer. Maybe now you can see a glimpse into who I am, what my story is - more than just some random chick on a message board.
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