Norvousness, 31, Anxiety Plaguing Commander's Fans, Dies.

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After a generation of producing unyielding anguish and vexing football fans from the Nation’s capital, the presumed interminable syndrome has mercifully been vanquished after a definitive 45-31 win in Detroit on Saturday night.

Norv Turner was an unlikely and unfortunate star in the etymology of among the very worst feelings a Washington sports fan can experience. As Washington’s coach for six sickly seasons between 1994 and 2000, Coach Turner was at the helm for one of the most notorious losses in recent memory: leading the team in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory against Washington’s arch rivals, the Dallas Cowboys. As many who were permanently scarred from the incident reluctantly recall, the then-Redskins gave up a 21 point lead in the fourth quarter on September 12, 1999 to lose in overtime 35-41.

This game, Washington’s second worst blown lead ever, cemented Turner’s legacy among the DC faithful after many fans had spent the prior five seasons of increasing failure in a Sunday torture chamber battling a debilitating gut pain. While fan’s experiences watching Turner-coached teams had been difficult from the start, the September 1999 loss brought fans together in commiserating their misfortune, identifying the feeling they experienced when watching their team falter after leading early in games (or seasons) and sharing the realization of their exorbitant pharmacy bills for Prilosec, Previcid, Tums, Rolaids, whiskey and other ineffective salves.

And in that commiseration, Coach Turner’s effect on Washington’s fans was given a name: Norvousness.

Much to Metro DC gastroenterologist’s delight, Coach Turner’s termination in 2000 provided only temporary relief of Norvousness after yet another good start and lackluster finish. Unfortunately, the ailment persisted beyond his departure from the team though the name stuck: Washington teams after his departure would go on to blow seventeen double digit leads, including two painful playoff losses in the intervening nearly 25 years.

In a fictional interview created for this fake obituary, Turner recalled his time in Washington: “It was a terrible point in my career. In retrospect, obviously Dan Snyder was the problem yet fans blamed their existential angst on me until realizing who the real culprit was. Can I add that I deeply resent the idea of this obituary. It’s in quite poor taste.”

Repeated inquiries which could have been sent to Dan Snyder were unsent as it was determined that no one cared for his views and were pining for the time when his name would no longer be mentioned in conjunction with Washington football.

Current Commanders quarterback Jayden Daniels and coach Dan Quinn declined to comment for this piece (as they were not asked) but may have replied with thinly veiled threats regarding the naming of a fan-created malady after a professional player or coach.

Norv Turner Syndrome, commonly known as Norvousness, was born in Raljon, Maryland in 1994, one of what would become a multitude of portents of mediocrity, all of them the bastard children of Mr. Snyder. It went on to traumatize a nation of Washington fans of all ages.

Norvousness is survived by those with an incredible, steadfast faith who suffered terribly from its effects but who are celebrating unreservedly about its demise.

In lieu of flowers, celebrants are encouraged to redouble their support for their beloved franchise.
 
Be careful. Norvousness is really Norvsferatu. This undead vampire has been known to rise from the dead.

Stake repeatedly.
 
We experienced Norvousness twenty years later in the form of Grudenitis.

Norv is a convenient pinata, but the fact is that the vast majority of the 20+ years after his departure sucked equally, if not worse.
 
We experienced Norvousness twenty years later in the form of Grudenitis.

Norv is a convenient pinata, but the fact is that the vast majority of the 20+ years after his departure sucked equally, if not worse.
I believe it was chosen simply because norv makes for a better pun.
 

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