Joke of the Day

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"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States of AMERICA..


.....observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy.
 
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95:


#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.
 
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."
 
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,
"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
 
ROBOT LIE DETECTOR!

ROBOT LIE DETECTOR!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped
Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her
out of her chair.
 
In Light of the Oil Spill...



A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'


'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.


The bee told the man to wait right there and he flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out of the gas tank.

'Try it now,' said one bee.


The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?



The bee answered,








Wait for it. Wait for it...




















BP.jpg
BeePee.jpg
 
China, is there supposed to be a punchline at the end of that joke?
 
China said:
Yeah, there was a glitch (on my end) when I posted it. The punchline should be there now.
Click to expand...

Is it a picture? I guess it could be my work filters, cause I still don't see anything. Oh well...
 
Irony, from the year 1919. This will find it's way to a cherished spot above my eventual bar....
 

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Cowboys & Muslims

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University
from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
 
Two Redskin fans and a Cowboy fan are walking in the grass near E-43 at FedEx, when they stumble upon the body of a dead naked woman.

The Redskin fans, out of respect, take their hats off and cover her breasts. They glare at the Cowboy fan who eventually covers her *ahem* with his hat.

One of the Redskin fans calls police, and within a minute an officer arrives.

The cop lifts one of the Redskin hats, scribbles some notes, and replaces it. He then lifts the other Redskin hat, jots some notes again, and replaces it. Then he lifts the Cowboys hat. He gets a confused look on his face, and replaces it. He lifts it again, stares, and replaces it again. The third time he lifts it, one of the Redskin fans speaks up.

"Hey man, come on. Show some respect."

"No, no! It's not that," the officer says. "Usually when I look under a Cowboy hat I find an ***hole."
 
One morning, Albert Einstein was out taking his daily walk and he was approached by a man who asked if he could walk with the famous scientist. Einstein said “Sure, but first, what is your IQ?”
“140” said the man.

So Einstein and the man enjoyed their walk and talked about physics and the nature of the universe.

The next day, Einstein was out walking again and was approached by another man who wanted to join him on his walk. Einstein again inquired about the man’s IQ which was 120. So they talked about politics and current events.

The next day, Einstein was again out for his walk and was approached by a third man who wanted to join him. “What is your IQ?” said Einstein. “80” said the man.

Einstein thought for a few minutes and said “How about them Cowboys?”
 
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
 
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but
to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , 'Let's see. Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old .'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up
against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
 
A guy walks into a bank, and approaches the older, female teller behind the window:

"I'd like to open a damn checking account."

The female teller looks at him, absolutely shocked at his words. She responds, "I don't know where you come from, but in these parts, we don't approve of such rude language."

The man looks at her, and repeats, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The woman, visibly upset, tells the crass man to wait while she goes and speaks to the bank manager. She finds the branch manager, and explains the situation. Being a valued 30 year employee, the branch manager tries to calm her down, and insists that the two of them walk out together to confront this rude individual. They approach the window, and the branch manager looks at the man:

"So, what seems to be the problem here sir?"

The man responds. "I just won $40 million in the lottery, and I want to open up a damn checking account."

The manager looks back at him, and speaks: "And this stupid bitch was giving you a hard time?"
 
A man driving over the bridge from MD into WV is pulled over for speeding by a WV state trooper.

"Sir, why were you speeding? Is there an emergency?"

"Yes," the man replied. I'm a doctor, and I'm late for an important appointment."

"What kid of doctor are you?" the trooper asked.

"I'm a rectum stretcher," the doc replied.

"A what?"

"A rectum stretcher. When patients come in, I start stretching their rectums. At the first appointment, I can usually stretch a rectum 3 or 4 inches. The next, I can get it to a foot or two. At the end of their treatment, some patients end up with a six-foot rectum."

"What in the world would you do with a six-foot ***hole?!" the trooper asked.

"Give him a radar gun and put him by that bridge back there."
 
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