Joke of the Day

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot..' Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips ?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits It. That'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"
... the teacher fainted!

Biology Class - final exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70
points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of
seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is a perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.


He got an A.

Redneck Sex Test

An honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically
hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll
do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be i n heaven," says
the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St . Peter escorts him to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a
clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet
him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster,
caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such
a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door r eopens on heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I
would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful,
but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash
and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning.. .



Today you voted."

Perspectives...

Two women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster....
My husband came home.
Ate his dinner in three minutes.
Got on top of me.
Finished having sex in five minutes.
Rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes.
How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing!
My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner.
After dinner we walked for an hour.
When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour.
It was like a fairy tale!


At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great.
I came home.
Dinner was on the table.
I ate.
Screwed my wife and fell asleep.
It was great!
What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible.
I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill.
So I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab.
We had to walk home which took an hour.
When we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light f..ing candles all over the house!
I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour.
After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Service related jokes

Since this tread seems to have degenerated into a Jarhead love fest I thought I might throw out one.

A young Coast Guard Maritime Law Enforcement Officer and his team are deployed on a Naval Destroyer for Counter-narcotics operations.

Shortly after coming aboard one of the ship's officers sits down accross from him in the wardroom and starts in:
"Hey Coastie, why do you guys always whine when the tide goes out?"
Before the Coast Guard Officer can reply the Navy guy says: "Because you lose half of your Op Area!"
Thus begins several more jokes:
"What do Coasties do when their boats sink? They wade to shore!"
"What is the difference between the Coast Guard and the Boy Scouts? The Boy Scouts are bigger and have adult leadership!"
"Why do Coasties only deploy for a month and a half? Because they cry when they are away from their mommy!"

The Coastie, who has heard all this before during his other deployments stops the Navy guy and says: "I have a question for you. Why do you Navy guys have your names stitched on the back of your dungarees?"
The Navy guy says: "I don't know."
The Coastie says: "So the Marines know who they are butt plugging."
The Coastie then gets up and starts to leave the wardroom. On the way out he turns back to the Navy guy and asks: "How long do you guys deploy for anyway?"
The Navy guy says proudly: "We deploy for 6 months at a time! What do you have to say to that Coastie?"
The Coast Guard officer turns away and just before he exits the wardroom he says: "Well, somebody's got to stay home and screw your wife."

it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

...now its 11:00 at the police station...

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.

billy-bob: i know...:> and thats not my finger!! :>

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297- The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

A man is riding his motorbike along an empty Californian beach.

Suddenly god said in a booming voice: "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I'll grant you one wish"

"Build me a bridge to Hawaii," said the man.

God said in his booming voice: "It is an enormous undertaking to build a bridge over such a vast ocean. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean, the concrete and the steel it would take ...... it will nearly exhaust several natural resources!

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me"

The man nodded and thought for a few moments before finally saying "Lord, I wish that i understood my wife. I want to know how she feels, and what she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment.

I want to know why she cries and what she means when she says "nothing is wrong" and how i can make a woman truly happy?"



God replied "you want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

A blonde city girl married a Texas rancher

One morning, on his way out to the fields, the rancher said to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher then left for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. The wife took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of barn. They walked along the row of cow stalls and, when she saw the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one, right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an 'airhead blonde', asked, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' she explained very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man said, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

She turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder. 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde win once in awhile)

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of Customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head In the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, But then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'your house.'

Did everyone hear the fantastic news? BP was able to completely fix their well! They just put a wedding ring around the hole, and it stopped putting out completely.