Why Your Team Sucks 2013: The Dallas Cowboys

[Lanky Livingston]

Putting this in here, because of course I'm putting this here! This is great, and makes it all the better because all they had for the Redskins one was bashing the name.

Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Dallas Cowboys

My favorite parts:

I love watching the Cowboys play. They are a perfectly devised three-hour sports comedy every week. They're completely and utterly harmless. I can watch them play and know that, even when they appear to be mildly threatening, they will end up collapsing and bursting into flames at some point because, thanks to the Double J's inept personnel management, they are so fundamentally broken. They have no chance, and I don't think that Jerry really gives a **** anyway. Jerry's real passion is his stadium and his new ****bus, and the Cowboys are the little museum diorama that he walks by every so often to dust off. Even when he does his weekly "Jerry says something stupid" bit with the media now, it feels like he's doing it strictly as a staged exercise. He is on Crazy Old Man Autopilot.

Your quarterback: Tony Romo. Offensive genius Tony Romo! And I love that Jerry Jones is the only person on Earth who places Romo's football intellect on the level of, say, Peyton Manning. Jones treats Romo as if he's already won six Super Bowls, and is not the fumbling mess he's always been.

Keep in mind that the Cowboys gave Romo $55 million in guaranteed money this offseason. Not three seasons ago. This offseason. You're talking about at least three more seasons of the Cowboys pretending that Romo is one of the best quarterbacks in football and NO ONE in Dallas believing it. He's a Cowboy forever. Maybe they'll make him part owner! I wonder if Jerry owns a pair of magic glasses that turn Romo into Tom Brady whenever he looks at him. Some sort of QB beer goggles. I bet Jaws also owns a pair.

Why your team sucks: As we've noted before, the Cowboys are still trying to squeeze out victories from a core group of players that Bill Parcells put together SEVEN YEARS AGO. It's like watching a TV network burn off episodes of an old Mike O'Malley comedy. The only bright young spot on this team is Dez Bryant, who is always one step away from being arrested in a botched jewelry heist. They traded up to draft Morris Claiborne last season and Pro Football Focus rated him as the league's 83rd best corner in 2012, which seems... not good. They're an aging team that refuses to admit that they're aging, and Jones is always convinced he's just one superstar rookie away from seeing the whole thing come together.

Why your team doesn't suck: I have nothing to put here.

 

[ntotoro]

Do you think Garrett had any say in whisking poor old Monte Kiffin away from his shuffleboard game and plopping him in the booth as defensive coordinator?

**snort**

 

[Henry]

The Redskins one was surprisingly vanilla. Still, I thoroughly enjoyed it until Dave McKenna had to act like a big fat douche in the comment section.

 

[Lanky Livingston]

The Redskins one was surprisingly vanilla. Still, I thoroughly enjoyed it until Dave McKenna had to act like a big fat douche in the comment section.

Yeah, the Redskins one was very tame. It was basically one big shot at the name, with a mention of RG3 being mishandled.

 

[Shi no Tenshi]

Yeah, the Redskins one was very tame. It was basically one big shot at the name, with a mention of RG3 being mishandled.

I was laughing at the names they listed as alternatives...mainly because an alternative they offered up was "Cowboy Killers".

Weren't we that last year anyway? Isn't Santana Moss called the Cowboy Killer on occasion? I think that is quite fitting, myself.