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Puns for educated minds

Happy hour starts in 5 minutes

Om

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... mostly, anyway. :cool4:


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He says "There is no dog".
 

China

The Team Captain
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What do you get when you run in front of a car?
TIRED

What do you get when you run behind a car?
EXHAUSTED

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
DAM

Carrion: A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

A chess tournament was in being held and contestants from around the world were in the lobby of the hotel bragging about other tournaments they had won. After awhile, the hotel manager came out of the office and asked them to please leave.
'But why?' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal' while the other goes to a family in Spain and they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

A group of friars from the monastery opened a florist shop to raise funds. A rival florist saw his business drop significantly. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh O'Reilly, the toughest thug in town to convince the friars to close down. Hugh beat up the friars and ruined their flowers, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that 'only Hugh can prevent florist friars'.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him: A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.

The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a soda. The waiter says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 

servumtuum

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Indiana

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
 

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