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JNN Exclusive: The real reason behind the Biogenesis scandal

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Jugband McGillicuddy

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Army Marshall


http://www.jnn.net/biogenesi...

NEW YORK, N.Y. (JNN) -- Word leaked late Friday that Major League Baseball would suspend 12 players on Monday, due to their roles in the Biogenesis scandal. But while most news outlets have focused on the "performance enhancing" aspect of the story, Jugband News Net has uncovered a deeper problem plaguing baseball at the highest levels.

"These guys just have too ****ing much money," said a major-league bat boy who spoke to JNN on condition of anonymity. "Once you have a car for each day of the year, a house in every state, and a yacht in each port on earth, you have to find SOMETHING to spend your money on. Why not steroids?"

Astros manager, Bo Porter confirmed the bat boy's hunch.

"My salary is tied to attendance at Minute-Maid Park," Porter said. "It was kind of a crap deal my agent suckered me into. A hundred bucks a game, plus 10% of the gate from home dates. So I don't have much trouble deciding where to spend my money. Ramen noodles, RC Cola, and the occasional pair of Keds for my kids.

"This one time, I bought an oil painting of Red Skelton at a yard sale. But that was a luxury. That was when I was hitting coach for the Greensboro Grasshoppers, and had expendable income. Now, I eat a lot of Dubble Bubble and sunflower seeds, cause that ****'s free."

"These ballplayers though, they make stupid cash," Porter continued. "My catcher -- I don't remember his name right now -- but that dude wallpapered his whole downstairs in flat-screen TVs. Once you've done that, the only thing left to spend your money on is 'the juice.'"

Super-agent Scott Boras has advised several of his clients to "invest" in steroids.

"I think of it as remodeling. But instead of making your kitchen better, you're improving yourself. You're taking this piece of crap you, and turning it into a you that's a lot more valuable to me. Everybody wins. Well actually, mostly I win. You kinda win too, but especially me. And that's important to me. Me is. I mean 'I' is. Am. Whatever. Go stick yourself, Alex!!"

Boras is, of course, correct about the short-term gain. Among the superstars who are alleged to have vastly improved their careers by taking posteriorally-delivered injections are: Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGuire, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Ryan Braun, and Jenna Jameson.

Braun, finally broke down and admitted that once he bought his own planet, he had no other outlet for his stockpiles of money.

"Roids were the only thing I didn't own. And I couldn't have that. It's just a shame that the 'one guy, two cups' video leaked on YouTube. But I've still got my money. So it's on to the next useless thing I can buy in bulk. Now excuse me, I think this is Ron Popeil calling me back."


Jugband McGillicuddy is editor-in-chief, senior staff writer, gopher, and managing bull**** artist of Jugband News Net.
 

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