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Environmentalists Seek to Wipe Out Plush Toilet Paper



ELMWOOD PARK, N.J. -- There is a battle for America's behinds.

It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for "soft" (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).

It's a menace, environmental groups say -- and a dark-comedy example of American excess.

I'm sorry, butt you know what? GET THE HELL OUTTA MY THRONE! It's bad enough that we have "ALGore" toilets that only use a pint of water butt take 55 flushes to do the job. Now someone is trying to tell me I have to use the equivalent Scott Tissue, which feels like it's made out of petrified wood, instead of Charman? What's next, we all have to use corn cobs? Or do they leave too much carbon footprint somewhere? Maybe if we all just stop going number two, the planet will be saved. Who the hell are these people? What is the carbon footprint like on their planet?

Rant mode off:soapbox:
Use first red corn cob. Then use white corn cob to determine if second red corn cob is necessary.
I prefer the John Wayne Brand of toilet paper. (1 ply) Rough, Tough, and won't take
**** of no one.
We could always learn from history I suppose-we seem to have been rather "creative" when it comes to...ah...cleaning ourselves. I rather like the old Roman sponge on a stick idea-kind of an early version of Fresh Wipes.

I found this brief history that may provide some ideas.


Alas, however, the old standard Sears catalog seems to have faded into history.
Alas, however, the old standard Sears catalog seems to have faded into history.

Probably because a computer monitor is a bit bulky and not pliable enough to reach the affected area... ;)

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