Deadspin: Why Your Team Sucks 2013

[Lanky Livingston]

These are fantastic, and all written by Drew Magary. Instead of a new thread for each, I figured we can post the highlights in here (or I can, if nobody else is reading them).

"The Browns have lost 10 or more games in nine of the past 10 years. That's a large enough sample size for us to know this is no accident. You have to really TRY to be that bad. You have to deliberately plant staph fungus in the locker room showerheads and sign Jake Delhomme and hire Leo Bloom as your accountant to craft a failure this magnificent, this seemingly permanent. "

"Why your team sucks: Only in Cleveland. ONLY in Cleveland would the new owner be a minority Steelers owner who turned out to be a ****ing crook. Not only is Jimmy Haslam a crook, but his company of truck driver handjob emporiums is a whopping FOUR BILLION DOLLARS IN DEBT. Oh my ****ing God! Are his truck stops built out of ****ing platinum? This man isn't even an effective crook. The feds are so far up Haslam's ass that his dad might be called in to run the team. Jimmy Haslam's father, you should note, is 82 years old. You get a crook AND you get Ralph Wilson all in one!"

"Their best player in the last decade was LeBron hypothetically becoming a tight end for them."

And my favorite - as (partially) posted in the Random Redskins Thoughts thread:

"Your coach: Rob Chudzinski. Here's a photo of ol' Chud.

Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Cleveland Browns
Shouldn't he be leaking secret government cyber-surveillance programs to Julian Assange or something? Anyway, young Beau Bridges here was hired only after Chip Kelly gave the Browns a handjob for 12 hours before punching them in the balls and fleeing the massage parlor. Chud was the offensive coordinator in Cleveland back in 2007, the year Derek "Horse Balls" Anderson inexplicably threw 29 touchdown passes (OMG STEROIDS!) and the Browns won an un-Browns-like 10 games. So Chud is back to restore Cleveland to its former anomalous, soft-schedule-aided glory days. And he's brought Norv Turner with him! YAY! Can you believe it took this long for Norv and the Browns to join forces? THEY WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I hope he never leaves."

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-cleveland-browns-1052726045

 

[McD5]

I love these. Thanks for bringing them to my attention a few weeks ago. I can't wait for the next one.

And the comments below are hysterical--often from totally broken fans.

 

[Lanky Livingston]

The Vikings one is the best yet - probably because Magary is a Vikings fan.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-minnesota-vikings-1139983032

Adrian Peterson ran the ball 348 times last season after having his knee blown apart. Frankly, I HOPE the ****er was on PEDs, because if he isn’t mainlining stem cells from panda fetuses, his lower body will liquefy by Week 2.

Your quarterback: Christian Ponder. Any positive statement about the Vikings can be countered with “Yeah, but Ponder sucks.” Adrian Peterson is really good! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. Holy ****, look at all the shiny new first rounders in camp! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. That Harrison Smith sure seems gritty! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. It’s like putting an Italian cruise ship captain in charge of Seal Team Six. Christian Ponder is a nice fellow, but when third-and-long arrives and he drops back, I spend half a minute praying he doesn’t actually release the ball. I just want him to curl underneath a defensive end so that Blair Walsh can attempt a 90-yard field goal.

 

[Henry]

The Steelers one my favorite so far. Man he gets Steeler fans absolutely right.

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[Lanky Livingston]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-denver-broncos-1178993544

Your coach: John Fox. He played for overtime. I don't give a **** if he coaches thirty more years. He's the guy who played for overtime. You had 31 seconds, two timeouts, and one of the greatest QBs in history going your way, and you took a ****ing knee? BULL****. Once you cross the line into Denny Green territory, there's no going back. You get a permanent suck branded on you that never fades. The Broncos will crush this division, cruise into the playoffs, and promptly piss it all away because Fox will play Martyball at the worst possible time. 10 years from now, Fox will be coaching in Arizona, giving angry postgame tirades that get retrofitted into crappy beer commercials.

Worst coaching decision I've ever seen!

 

[Lanky Livingston]

Your coach: Bald miracle worker Bruce Arians. Before 2012, Arians was known primarily as the offensive coordinator that Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and Alabama fans all loved to despise. But after one inspirational season with a sick boss and what is, statistically speaking, the luckiest 11-5 team in NFL history? A TRUE LEADER.

Of course, it’s easy to look good when you’ve been handed the most polished rookie quarterback the NFL has ever seen. Now Arians is in Arizona, which is both a literal desert and a metaphorical desert for productive offensive football. They canned the best coach in team history (and it’s not even a close race, by the way) for a man who just had the season-long equivalent of that one time Romeo Crennel’s Chiefs happened to upset the Packers. It’s gettin’ real Joe Bugel-ey around here.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-arizona-cardinals-1182702040

 

[Lanky Livingston]

From the Rams "Why Your Team Sucks 2013:"

This team couldn't draft a competent lineman even if you gave them 7 RG3's to trade away for 21 first round picks.

 

[Lanky Livingston]

Finally, a "Why Your Team Sucks" I can really get behind. **** the SEAHAGS!!

Your coach: Pete Carroll. Anyone predicting that the Seahawks will win the Super Bowl this year (or even make it, frankly) is willfully turning a blind eye to the fact that this man is in charge of things.

Remember a few years back when the Chargers were "the most talented team in the AFC" and people like Peter King would pick them to go to the Super Bowl even though that meant conveniently forgetting that ****ing NORV was the coach? This is that. Somewhere down the line, Pete Carroll will ruin the season by letting the clock expire at the end of the first half with his team at the 4-inch line. I assume he'll get distracted by his research into what REALLY happened on 9/11.

Your quarterback: Bruno Mars.

Why your team sucks: Yes yes, we're all super excited about The New Flutie, aren't we? I watched the Seahawks nearly upset the Falcons last January and Russell Wilson was the bestest player on the field. But I can LEARN TO HATE with the best of them, and I only need one more full season of TV analysts being like Can you believe scouts said this guy was too short? to turn on Wilson completely. He's a little bit short. Let's not treat him like a guy who overcame ****ing polio to make an NFL roster. Besides, maybe he is too short. Maybe all of his passes will get knocked down this season and he'll turn into the Second Coming of Jeff Blake and you'll quickly understand why he was drafted in the third round to begin with.

This is only the beginning of Wilson getting the "He's just a winner!" treatment from people. Once Tebow gets cut by the Patriots, Wilson will fully assume the magical unicorn role for sportswriters looking for true heroes. Seahawks fans are already an insufferable lot—still bitching about the reffing a Super Bowl in which their team played absolutely horrific football and living in a city that has all of the preciousness of Northern California but none of the good weather—and Wilson's ascent will only make them worse. Seriously, cut it out with that 12th man ****. You stole that from A&M and everyone knows it. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm gonna start calling Wilson RUSSELL FOOTBALL just to troll you.

By the way, given this team's middling offensive line play, it behooves me to remind you that the Seahawks are one hit away from turning the offense over to either T-Jack or Brady Quinn. So marvel all you like over free agent acquisitions like Antoine Winfield (who can no longer cover the pass) and Cliff Avril (good for at least three clutch penalties per game!). Your season rests on a terrible road team protecting a dwarf quarterback from defenders three times his size, who is throwing to the always-hurt 2009 Vikings receiving corps. I wish you luck.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-seattle-seahawks-1200911559

 

[Henry]

Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I love how Norv is getting blasted left and right in these things.

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[Lanky Livingston]

God the Eagles one is fantastic.

Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Philadelphia Eagles

Letter from "Season Ticket Holder:"

About a decade ago, I took my wife to an Eagles game. My family have been season ticket-holders since the 1940s, and she recognized that this was an integral aspect of our family life about which she needed to learn if she was ever to truly understand us. Knowing what she would see, I was hesitant, but she prevailed upon me to take her and, against my better judgment, I did so. To a game against the Cowboys.

We arrived at our seats about an hour before kickoff, as is my habit. This was the last year of Veterans Stadium, and the family's seats were in the 700 Level. For those unfamiliar with that term, this bears explanation: the 700 Level consisted of the worst seats at the Vet and was home to a crowd that made the Oakland Coliseum's "Black Hole" look precious by comparison. By kickoff, my wife had witnessed three separate acts of violence, one drunk falling down the stairs and, apparently, a group of women smoking "something chemical" in the Ladies' Room.

As kickoff occurred, the gentleman who customarily sat to my right had yet to arrive. He showed up halfway through the first quarter, grinning from ear to ear as he brandished his bloody hands, having apparently been "kicking some Cowboy fan ass in the parking lot." This gentleman (whom I am compelled to add was but one member of a large group of Teamsters that sat in our section and tended to behave with all the decorum for which the Teamsters are so justifiably renowned) proceeded to shake a half-dozen beer cans out of the sleeves of his jacket, scan the crowd for Cowboys fans, and, finding one 10 rows down, popped a can and threw it so that it hit the poor schmuck in back of his head, exploding on impact.

Soaked and dazed, the guy unwisely stood up, turned around and demanded - profanely - to know who had thrown the can. At this point, the Teamsters (and much of the rest of the section) jumped to their feet and charged - not down the aisles, mind you, but over the seats which declined downward at a steep angle. The Cowboys fan was subsumed in a mass of drunken, howling rage, and until the cops arrived, all that could be seen him were bits of his jersey that were being torn off and thrown from the scrum.

When the cops arrived, they arrested the Cowboys fan for disturbing the peace. I had to explain to my wife that this was pretty much an average Sunday at the Vet.

Things were never the same between us. She left me about a year later.