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Fatherly advice needed

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Snydershrugged

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Hi folks, I can only describe my summer as one of difficulty, pain and now....healing.

It's with a heavy heart that I tell you that my youngest daughter (13) was stalked, hunted, attacked and raped by a 17 yr old, "boy" when we were camping a month and a half ago. This is so very difficult to type.

I can't say too much more due to the legal proceedings, but to say the least, I'm devastated and angry as a father and a man. I won't type my thoughts on the "boy". I can't.

That said, we are all in counseling and healing is starting. My little girl is not the same person any more, no smiles, laughs or even much speech. The wild mood swings are common.

Her counselor has suggested that we adopt a puppy for her to raise as " hers". She says its is very successful approach that she has employed for difficult cases like ours.

I'll be honest, I really don't want a puppy. I have major doubts about it but at the same time, I will go to the ends of the earth to help my sweet child.

Not sure if I'm even thinking clearly enough to make a decision.




Please accept my apologies for the wet blanket and rambling about such a personal matter. I've struggled a lot lately and have few I can talk to about it. Thank you for being an alternative.
 
Brother I am so sorry to hear of this. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys over this troubling time. Not sure how you all are supposed to cope now but all you can do is show her all the love and support possible.

Fwiw I'll pray for you & your family's peace & strength.
 
Wish I had the words that could make things easier..... I'm a good listener if you ever need an ear to chew completely removed from the situation.

While dogs do have a healing power, IMHO a puppy isn't an ideal treatment. They do require a fair amount of care, and with the start of school right around the corner, you're now left training and house breaking the pup. Don't get me wrong, I think they may be on the right track. Maybe a service dog, trained to deal with PTSD. Dogs are extremely intuitive, and very comforting to have around. A service dog would likely be able to attend school with her, though that does instantly bring her situation to the front. Of course, over time other kids will find out what happened, it's inevitable unfortunately. Not sure if you're pinned to the service dog forever, though, there hard to say good by to. They become part of the family very quickly.

I've had dogs in my life since I was 4, so I know the work involved.

Hang tough bro, you're and yours are in my thoughts and prayers....
 
Damn brother, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not a father, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours through such a difficult time.


If I could make a recommendation.. maybe look at rescuing a dog? One that's already been given veterinary treatment, as well as spayed / neutered, somewhere in the 1 - 3 year old range? I have rescued 3 dogs (have 2 currently) and I can tell you there is little that rivals the unconditional love given by a dog. Less of the demand of raising a puppy, but a lot of the therapeutic attention.
 
Echo what others have said - I can't even imagine what you are going through brother. Good thoughts and prayers sent not only your daughter's way, but to you and your family. I am sure you are filled with anger, I would just encourage you to try your best to push that aside as it's not what your daughter needs right now. Let the authorities deal with that POS. I don't think there's a magic bullet for this kind of trauma. Stay close to your daughter, make sure she knows you are there for her no matter what, say the right things and keep saying them even if she doesn't seem to hear the words. She will hear them. I would encourage getting her busy, occupied with normal, everyday stuff, not let her isolate herself or dwell on what's happened. The more normal things she can be a part of, the better. As for the puppy, not discounting the value of that, I have no idea how that would help. Good thoughts your way. We love ya and are glad you are hear. Reach out to any of us if we can help or if you just need to vent.
 
SS, there are no words, as the father of a 14 year old young woman, I just... I'm so sorry.

I would echo ST and suggest a rescue dog. They are incredibly loving and loyal and you won't have to train and do all that which can be a chore under normal times.

If you need ANYTHING, please PM me.
 
I've read your post no less than a dozen times. 99% of the time I want to scream "get a gun, shoot him in the dick, deal with the court" but that's not right or what you are looking for. I respect that. I don't think I could not do it, but I really respect you for your stance.

I don't advise a dog or any pet. I advise talking, supporting, and not acting like things are ok. They aren't. They aren't anywhere near ok and the more you try to act like it the more of a lie it becomes and the more of an act you put on.

Find a psychiatrist, a pastor, a trusted family friend, someone that you can talk to solo and then as a family. Ask your daughter what she needs to feel safe, supported and then do it. Even if she says she needs to be left alone, do it.

Ask your wife and family what they need. They are effected by this as well whether they realize it or not. Have conversations about it and get it out there.

Then, bro, deal with this for yourself. You are not well either. No matter how strong you believe you are (and I don't doubt you are) you're ****ed up as much as your beautiful daughter is. You need to get clear, healthy, and ok so you can fully be there for her.

If you need me, I'm here. I can listen, I can talk, I can work through things with you if you need it.
 
Holy crap. I was just checking in before going to bed and ... I'm so sorry. I may have some things to add on this but I want to gather my thoughts first. In any event, we are here for you.

I know its not much but we are here. Even if its just to talk football for a few minutes. We can do that. Or whatever. Keep in touch.
 
Thanks so much everyone. It means a lot to my and to my family.
You all are spot on. Some other details...

It's very true that all of us are struggling along with my daughter. Especially my oldest, who is blaming herself because sh was nearby but could notis have known. My wife too, very tearful. Me. I was actually made to leave the town where wee were because I blew up and lost my cool on the kids family that there. I'm lucky the sheriff saw me and did that.

Counseling is going on for everyone, and I am considering it for me too. I just don't wasn't my girls to see how bad off I really am.

All said, there were some things I didn't expect as positives. We are even closer as a family now and its amazing how our kung Fu family has rallied around us. It also warms my heart to see my girls simply talking to each other where in the past they would bicker.

On the dog, rescue iscthe only way wee would go. They suggest getting a young one because it"needs" an owners attention and care more. Honestly, no idea where I'll land on that. I may just see where Gods hasnd leads us in that.


Thanks again for your strength and kindness for us. I am grateful.
 
You're doing fine. :)

I did want to say more here, because I do have a son with a very unique set of disabilities, both physical, mental and psychological, that demands a very significant amount of attention, and that fundamentally changes the dynamic of our entire family (we have two other children) on a daily basis, and has my wife and I saying to ourselves on a daily basis "what the hell am I doing? I don't know what to do." I can give you some perspective from that angle, though I am in no way attempting to equate my situation with yours in any other way. Again, as the father of a 13 year-old daughter myself I can't and don't want to imagine what you are going through right now.

I would consider getting the dog. More times than I can count I have said to myself "Ben can't handle that, and I can't handle that and we aren't doing that" in response to a suggestion from a professional. But these days we give it a try anyway. Sometimes it doesn't work out, but more often than I would expect, it does, and I just have to jump into these things as if I expect them to work. Besides, more often than I want to admit, I use my son as an excuse to not do something because I don't want to do it. I do that a LOT. :) It's only been years and years of experience that has taught me to catch myself doing that. Take a moment and catch your breath and think about if you can possibly handle a new dog, and if so, take the leap. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out, you move on to something else. Life for a family with unusual situations like this is messy and the best we can do is the best we can do.

I don't know. That's what I've got. Sorry it's not more, but hang in there and just do the best you can and don't expect to be Superdad. Just be dad, and most likely that will be enough.
 
So so sorry to hear all this. I'll echo all the sentiments everyone has offered. This is a rough time for the family I'm sure. If you were to go the pet route, definitely a shelter dog. Not a puppy. A shelter dog needs the love and attention and, more importantly, will give back UNCONDITIONAL love. No matter what your, your daughter's or your family's moods are. That unconditional love is something that humans could learn from.

I wish I had more to say than sitting here shaking my head. So so sorry :(
 
For those of us who have daughters, this is amongst our greatest fears - along with other concerns, especially harassment of any kind. That being said...

I know of three or four churches in the Charlotte area that can be of some help. They have decently sized youth groups that are full of good kids. After a period of time (counseling is the smart way to go), you can visit any and all of these places of worship and see what is a good fit for the family. Fitting in with good kids (and this will take time as well) who care about her soul and her as a person could work wonders in the next few years.

As parents, you can certainly do good things for your daughter. Counseling will be of great benefit. But being with a fantastic group of like-minded young people can really make a difference.

It's something to think about. Let me know. God bless.
 
Hey bud, I know it's minimal in relation to what you're going through, but wanted to throw a post up here to let you know that I'm still keeping you and your family in my thoughts. It's been a short time since you shared your story, and anyone to expect this to 'go away' at all, let alone quickly, I would assume is sorely mistaken. 3 days left until (for a short time) you might be able to partially distract yourself for a period during the Redskins game.... I'll try to be in chat, might not hurt to pop in there.....?
 
I'm so sorry for your daughter and your family. Two daughters and this just frightens me to no end. I'd go with the dog and whatever else a counselor suggested. I'd have no other way of knowing what to do. Nothing like having something to love that will love you back unconditionally and not try to talk about things. Just a hug when you need it and a lick on the face.

For you, a counselor is a good idea. We're daddy's and we protect. But reality is we can't always be there to prevent harm and that's hard to swallow. Hard to deal with. Don't be too proud in getting help if you need it too. For all of you. My prayers are with you.
 
Good afternoon everyone....update: my daughter is doing as well as can be expected. Often, she has been losing control and falling into an all out anger mode. Her counselors both church and the other, tell us its normal and to ride it out.

We all head back to that town again for more investigation stuff. I am very worried because they need her to go into descriptive statements and I know she is scared and embarrassed. She also has to do yet another medical and a polygraph. Ugggh.

On the dog. I'm pretty pissed off honestly. I know that
there are awesome rescue volunteers out there that really do want to find homes and families for rescued pets. My complaint isnt about those great people
. We have had wonderful pets and have been complimented for the health and personalities of them. Recently, we applied to adopt a young rescue pup. We answered all the questions honestly and provided references as well as a firm commitment to make any changes they required. Well, we missed a heartworm vaccination. We advised we would immediately take care of that. The next day, rather than hearing g that the home visit is scheduled or that they called our references, they instead said we were unfit as dog owners and that we "withhold" medical care. When we challenged that and said that we would complain, I was told that we were now placed on the local do not adopt list along with people who abuse pets and harm thrm intentionally. We are angry and sad. We will still look at getting a puppy, but it's very likely that we are forced now to purchase since the rude people at Halfway There Rescue of Rock Hill have libeled us this way. In our case, we tried to do the right thing and help a dog by providing a great home and family that needs one, yet the very people who claim they are helping caused the opposite to occur.

Just what we needed, huh?

OK, deep breaths, I'm smiling, my family is healthy, I'm employed. All is gonna be OK.





BTW, I love all of y'all. Thanks again for your awesomeness!
 
I feel for ya SS....... I have been following this since you posted it, not really knowing what to say...

Stay strong Brother, you are one hell of a Father, Husband, and Man! If you ever need anything, I am just a PM away
 
Do you think putting her in a self defense or martial arts school might help release aggression and teach her she doesn't need to be scared?
 
MikeSr619 said:
Do you think putting her in a self defense or martial arts school might help release aggression and teach her she doesn't need to be scared?
Click to expand...

She's been in kung fu with me for a while nowxasnd it definitely helps in the area. Even trying tai chi.
 
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