Joke of the Day

I'll start 'er off, but I'm counting on the rest of you misfits to keep this thread alive

From dear old Dad:


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Maine, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The second Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Trooper answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.

I'd tell my all time bestist West Virginia joke, but it got me banned for a week on the other board

Ever seen Stevie Wonder's house?







It's quite nice, actually.

Wasn't what you were expecting?

A couple was driving home one night down a two lane highway, when a rabbit jumped out in front of them trying to cross the road. The man swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but was unable to and heard the telltale thud. He came to a stop past the rabbit and looked out the back window. The rabbit was limp and lifeless so he put the car in gear and began to drive off. The wife said "Honey, stop we've got to help that poor bunny."

The husband replied "I'm sorry dear, but that rabbit's got to be dead."

The wife insisted "You have to stop, I know I can help it."

The husband relented "Okay, if you insist, but I think you're wasting your time."

The wife reached into her bag pulled out a spray can, got out of the car and went over to the lifeless rabbit. She then sprayed the rabbit all over. Much to her husband's surprise the rabbit began to move. In fact, it got up, hopped a couple of steps, turned back to them and appeared to wave. Needless to say the man couldn't believe his eyes. The rabbit then hopped a few yards further, turned and waved again. The man's wife came back and got into the car as the rabbit continued to hop away, occasionally stopping and waving.

The man said "That's amazing. What the hell is in that can?"

His wife replied "Hare spray, with permanent wave."

China said:

A couple was driving home one night down a two lane highway, when a rabbit jumped out in front of them trying to cross the road. The man swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but was unable to and heard the telltale thud. He came to a stop past the rabbit and looked out the back window. The rabbit was limp and lifeless so he put the car in gear and began to drive off. The wife said "Honey, stop we've got to help that poor bunny."

The husband replied "I'm sorry dear, but that rabbit's got to be dead."

The wife insisted "You have to stop, I know I can help it."

The husband relented "Okay, if you insist, but I think you're wasting your time."

The wife reached into her bag pulled out a spray can, got out of the car and went over to the lifeless rabbit. She then sprayed the rabbit all over. Much to her husband's surprise the rabbit began to move. In fact, it got up, hopped a couple of steps, turned back to them and appeared to wave. Needless to say the man couldn't believe his eyes. The rabbit then hopped a few yards further, turned and waved again. The man's wife came back and got into the car as the rabbit continued to hop away, occasionally stopping and waving.

The man said "That's amazing. What the hell is in that can?"

His wife replied "Hare spray, with permanent wave."

Click to expand...

...Really, dude? Really? I mean, I laughed; but really?

Going around work

How Fights Start:



My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...



*****************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



*******************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...



***************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car,
looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....



*****************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


********************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...


****************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


*******************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started...


********************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order
first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah , she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


******************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......

sonofDC said:

...Really, dude? Really? I mean, I laughed; but really?

Click to expand...

Many of the jokes I can remember would perhaps not be how shall I say "family friendly". Let's try one (you may have heard it before) and see how it goes:

A man called his doctor friend complaining about pain in his tennis elbow. His friend the doctor said "We have this wonderful new diagnostic machine, you just put in a urine sample and it will tell you exactly what's wrong with you. Come to the office with a urine sample and you can see for yourself."

Not believing that the machine was all it was cracked up to be and to play a little joke on his friend, the man decided to "enhance" his urine sample to see what the machine would say.

So he got a urine sample from his daughter, some from his wife, added some from his dog, put in a little motor oil from his car and jerked off into the mix. He brought the sample to the doctor's office and handed it to the nurse. She told him the analysis would take a couple of hours and they'd call him with the results.

About two hours later he gets a call from his doctor friend who tells him the following:

Your dog has worms. Get some medicine from the vet.
You need to change the oil in your car.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby - get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see
your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh
and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out
your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how
you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for
fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as
you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but
decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and
you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots
with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small
African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack
with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour
and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and
leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along
the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck
in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of
your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell
your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5 . Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Blow nose (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor
because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener
size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off
the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graf t any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'

China...I think we might have to be best friends now.

Nice guys...my dad sent me one today I'd love to post, but it's political and very much incorrect. So I'll have to chuckle in private on that one

Can YOU guess which one is the Marine?

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a femaleLieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).

The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."

Speaking of Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none..

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes..

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says "is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

Second muffin turns to the first muffin and says "HOLY CRAP! A talking MUFFIN!"

Rimshot..............

A plane goes down, and there is only one survivor, who manages to get to a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. He is stranded there for 10 years by himself.

One day, sitting on the beach, he is greeted by an amazing site. An incredibly gorgeous woman in a wet suit comes out of the surf, and starts walking seductively towards him.

"Oh my god - I've been on this island for 10 years without seeing another soul, and then you come out of the water. This is amazing!" He stammers.

"Well then, I'd bet you'd LOVE some whiskey, if you've been here for 10 years." She slowly and seductively passes her right hand across her body to her left shoulder, unzips a pocket, and pulls out a bottle of 18-year old bourbon, and hands it to the man.

"Sweet baby Jesus," the man says after taking a healthy sip, "that is amazing. I've been craving some whiskey for 10 years. I just wish I had a cigarette to go with it."

"Of course," says the woman, as she reaches into the pocket on her right shoulder, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in a water-proof container, and hands it to him.

The man lets out a sigh of pure euphoria as he exhales the drag of his first cigarette in 10 years. "That is amazing, I've missed cigarettes so much."

"Now," the woman said, "is there anything else you've been missing?" as she slowly began to unzip her wetsuit from her neck, exposing her flawless skin. After she got about halfway down her chest, the man's eyes light up and he says:

"No WAY, you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"

Thought for the day...

Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the

calendar says W T F

Boone said:

Can YOU guess which one is the Marine?

Click to expand...

"Note to self: less flipping, more fighting."