Joke of the Day

STC (Senior Texting Code)

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine
spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.......

The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church..
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment.............................................

Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . .

"Okay ma'am," you can board your flight now."

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.


"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"


"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"


"Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

" U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."

" U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify.

"The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"

"Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support "

"My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

...and finally

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem."
..... Ronald Reagan




A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.'

Why Sentence structure is so important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she replied. "I feel like ****!"

You know why 5,000 Mexicans stormed the Alamo? They only had 2 vans.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

A first grade teacher repeatedly has trouble with one of her students. Every day, this little boy sits in the back of the class and makes trouble and distracts the other students. She is determined to teach him and decides that the best way to keep him focused is to appeal to his interests.

One day, the teacher is giving a lesson on basic arithmetic and the little boy is goofing off in the back of the class again. She asks him to settle down and says, "I have a problem I think you might like. There are 5 birds sitting on a telephone wire. You take your BB gun and shoot one. How many birds are left?" The boy answers, "None. Once I fire the gun, they all fly away." The teacher replies, "That's not the correct answer, but it's very clever. I like the way you think."

The boy then says, "Oh well then I have a question for you. Three women are eating popsicles. One is sucking on hers, one is licking hers, and one is biting hers. Which one is married?" The teacher thinks for a minute and answers, "Well I would think it'd either be the one sucking on her popsicle or the one licking her popsicle." The boy replies, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like how YOU think."

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”
“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

Lars Olafsson was walking down the street in the "Little Norway" section of Milwaukee, Wisconsin when he noticed a bright neon sign that boldly displayed "Sven Olafsson's Chinese Laundry".

Lars knew there weren’t too many Olafssons in the USA, so he went into the cleaners to see if they might be cousins or something. He asked the obviously Chinese-looking man behind the counter if he could get Sven out front to chat for a bit.

The Chinese native said, "I Sven Olafsson. What you need?"

Lars couldn't believe his ears. He asked, "How in the world could you, an Asian, be Sven Olafsson?"

Sven answered, "I come to Ellis Island. In front of me, big tall yellow haired man tell clerk at desk his name, 'Sven Olafsson' and spell out his name. When my turn come to tell name, I say 'Sem Teng'”.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are flying in a plane over the deep jungles of South America. The plane crashes in the jungle and the three men are captured by pygmy cannibals. The cannibal chief says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we're going to boil you, eat you, and use your boiled skins to make a war canoe. The good news is you'll be dead for all of this and we'll even let you choose how you die." The Englishman asks for a pistol and when they give it to him with a single bullet he says, "God save the Queen!", shoots himself in the head and dies with dignity. The Frenchman asks for a sword and when they give it to him he says, "Vive la France!", falls on the sword and dies with dignity. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The cannibal chief is puzzled by this but hands over a fork. The New Yorker starts stabbing himself in the chest, his arms, his legs, his back, his ass, everywhere. Blood is streaming from hundreds of tiny holes. The cannibal chief is horrified and shouts, "My god man what are you doing?! This is a horrible way to die." The New Yorker simply replies, "So much for your canoe, ya ****s!"

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . .

didn't give a **** one way or the other.

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "
WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM
CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE
CHECK-OUT. THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS
ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL
IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED
THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID, "THE CURLERS ARE ON
THE HOUSE."

You may not know it but I've been very busy over the past 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here's the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my golfing partners.



Table of Contents



Chapter 1
- How to properly line up your Fourth putt.

Chapter 2
- How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3
- How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4
- How to get more distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5
- When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6
- Using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent.

Chapter 7
- When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8
- Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9
- How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post .... Undetected.

Chapter 10
- How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11
- How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12
- Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.


Chapter 13
- How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 14
- How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee.

Chapter 15
- When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16
- God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17
- When to regrip your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 18
- Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19
- Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.