Joke of the Day

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our
****tails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift
down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.
More shovelling! Took all day. The dam snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the butthole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's he silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove
the broken snow shovel up his BUTT. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am
I tied to the bed?

Kind of lame, but at least bumps the thread.

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your
Wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have
Contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How
Often do you have sex??? '


The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very
Hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice
Every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.


'It's rust!!

A brand new department store has just opened in London. It sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:-

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing the stairs.

When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She thinks, "I can do better than that" and keeps going up.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
But she goes up another floor.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory."

MSGT Harry T. Serres, USAF Ret.

My wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff..."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

An old woman goes to the doctor, complaining about terrible gas.

"The thing is, you see, the gas doesn't smell and they are always silent. Its mostly a comfort thing, I'm farting every minute or so!"

The doctor writes her a prescription, and says take these pills, and come back and see me in one week. The lady gets the prescription filled, and begins to take the medicine. Over the next few days, her farts become smellier and smellier, til she almost can't stand it.

She storms into the doctor's office on the day of her follow-up appointment and says "Doctor! Whatever you gave me is just making the problem worse! My farts never smelled before, now they are almost unbearable!"

"Well," said the doctor, "now that we've cleared up those sinuses, lets work on your hearing."

Very important information has just been made public that I think is
something you should all be aware of:

Gonorrhea Lectim
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent
strain of this old disease.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect
'im."

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior
involving putting your cranium up your rectum.

Many victims contracted it in 2008 ..... but now most people after
having been infected for the past 1-2 years are starting to realize how
destructive this sickness is. It's sad because it is so easily cured
with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out!

You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012 and
simply don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become
permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this like Virginia and New Jersey,
and apparently now Massachusetts with many more seeing the writing on
the wall.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a cup of coffee before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a cup of coffee.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me some snacks before it starts.”

She looks cross, but takes some snacks from refrigerator and slams it down next to him.

He finishes the snacks and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me something to eat, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him,

“Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Eat and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.

Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!" The next batter hits a single.

The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.

The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

A seven-year old boy is walking through the airport with his parents, when he has to go.

He goes into the restroom, starts taking a leak and in comes a Marine in full dress blues. The kid is blown away, "Wow! A real Marine! This is awesome!"

The Marine holds out his hat and says, "Here ya go, buddy. Wanna try this on?"

The wide-eyed kid takes the hat and puts it on.

In walks an Army Ranger. The kids stares him up and down, unable to believe that he's seeing a Marine and a Ranger up close.

After a few seconds of staring, the Ranger speaks up.

"What kid, you wanna suck my **** or something?"

"Oh no, sir," the kid replies. "I'm not a REAL Marine."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked, 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very Serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?''

''Yes ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' '

'1955,' he replied.

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and Said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now'

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.


My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am almost 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 70?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much because my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****?'

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.


"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."


"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"


Roy replied: "Wrong room."

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

An old man was sitting on his porch when I young walked by carrying some chicken wire.

“What’cha doing with that chicken wire, boy?”

“I’m goin’ to catch me some chickens” said the boy.

“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire, boy. That’s not what it’s for.”

But, about an hour later the boy came back with a bunch of chickens all wrapped up in the chicken wire.

Then the boy walked past the old man’s house carrying a roll of duct tape.

“What’cha doing with that there duct tape, boy?”

“I’m going to catch some ducks” said the boy.

The old man laughed. “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape. That’s not what it’s for. It isn’t even spelled the same.”

But sure enough, a little while later, the boy came back with several Mallards, all wrapped up in duct tape.

Finally the boy walked past the old man’s porch carrying a bundle of sticks.

“What’cha doing with those sticks, boy?”

“These aren’t ordinary sticks” said the boy. “This is pu$$y willow.”

“Let me get my hat, boy. I’m going with you.”

Boone said:

Can YOU guess which one is the Marine?

Click to expand...

Excellent!!