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The Opposite

"Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong."

I wonder if Dan Snyder has ever had those same introspective thoughts?

I have joked over the years that I wish the Washington Redskins would simply go George Constanza on us, and do 'the complete opposite’. Let’s face it…

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."

Maybe the time has come to consider that approach. But what would the 'exact opposite’ really look like?

Let’s start at the top and work our way down the chain.

Our storied team moniker has been a beloved tradition since the Boston Braves become the Boston Redskins in 1933. For decades, Redskins fans have cheered their team name with nary a thought that some might find it strangely offensive. In recent years, the team has become embroiled in controversy over the roots and origins of the term 'Redskin’, and more and more frequently it is characterized, rightly or wrongly, as a racially insensitive epithet. Redskin’s fans know better. Schooled in the historical basis and intent of the name, Redskins fans almost universally decry the organized political effort to force a name change. The owner has sworn a blood vow - the name will never change.

Let’s change the name. Don’t wait for the courts or the politicians or the FCC or the shrill harping of media do-gooders forces us to. Just change it. Because it’s the exact opposite of what every instinct in our bodies tells us is the right thing to do.

Fed Ex Field, the sterile, soulless, colossal monument to mediocrity in Landover, Maryland must go. Sure, the stadium contract isn’t due to end until 2027. But screw it, what’s losing 50 million dollars or so in the name of progress, especially if you’re Daddy Warbucks. Build a new stadium NOW. And forget progressive Northern Virginia, let’s build our new stadium smack-dab in the middle of DC. Maybe next to the Smithsonian. That way, if the football sucks, dinosaurs and the space museum are just a couple blocks away. And our new stadium (Marion Barry Memorial Stadium - MBM for short) needs to minimize revenue. I’m thinking 50,000 seats, shooting straight up into the sky to maximize noise would fit the bill. Let’s be honest, that’s probably our real game attendance at most games anyway, minus the obligatory corporate wine and cheesers who don’t even know the words to the team song. While we’re at it, let’s ban paid parking, the stadium announcer, music between plays, and 'Love that chicken from Popeye’s’ – football and the marching band will do just fine. These changes, along with the move to the new all-black with neon yellow uniforms, will be hailed as genius.

The President and General Manager of the Redskins, Bruce Allen, is personable, popular, and comes from a fine pedigree of Redskins tradition. He’s a fan favorite and part of the solution for our Redskins in the future. Fire him. Do it right now, in mid-season. He probably doesn’t deserve it, but to hell with it. Something’s got to give, and if we’re going Costanza, it’s a required move. When the Washington Post asks why on earth you would fire your own hand-picked GM when he’s just started his tenure in his new role, tell them 'He pissed me the **** off. No one really knew what he did anyway, mostly we just sent him out to glad-hand the fans with Chief Z before games. It’s really not a big loss.’ Trust me – the Post will love this.

Speaking of the Post – it’s a new day, it’s a new dawn, it’s the exact opposite. Terminate your relationship with the Washington Times for all that groovy insider access. Give the Post that deal. When they write a particularly nasty attack piece, put it on’s homepage and your Facebook feed. Hire Mike Wise away from them and make him your head of PR and Marketing. You fire whoever’s in that job about every 6 months anyway, so this won’t be difficult. Make it happen. And Dan – you really need to get active on Twitter and social media brother. Think Mark Cuban here. Because people really want to get to know the special guy that you really are. Trust us here, it can only increase the already immense love you’ve garnered to date from your multitude of fans. Don’t hold back.

Jay Gruden appears to be lost and bereft of answers in his first year. With no NFL head coaching experience to begin with, he’s in way over his head, all but admitting he doesn’t have any answers on how to turn the Titanic around. And that’s why you need to extend him for another 5 years. Anyone with any sense knows, it really takes a decade to get a good feel for what you have in a head coach. If we’d only shown that kind of patience with Jim Zorn, there’s no doubt we’d be slipping and sliding our way to the frigging Super Bowl by now.

And while we’re at it, doesn’t Jim Haslett deserve another extended look? We’re going to need his expertise and years of high quality experience as we switch back to the 4-3. Poor Jim’s had a lot on his plate, what with drawing up perfect game plans for a decade and having to fend off subversive interference from whoever-the-hell-the-current-head-coach-is-at-the-moment and all. Jim’s a real 'professional’ and of all the defensive coordinator ginger’s in the NFL at the moment, he’s probably one of the best. Stats don’t tell the whole story people. It’s all about the defensive 'milieu’, and we hear Jim’s is impeccable. This coaching staff is just a couple of lucky bounces away from nearly getting the job done on occasion, and that’s the kind of promise you don’t just stumble and bumble your way into every day.

Contrary to popular belief, this current Redskins squad isn’t without talent. Ryan Kerrigan, DeSean Jackson, Alfred Morris – there are some bonafide stars that shine amidst an otherwise wanting roster. Trade all of them – and not for proven talent, for draft picks. If the Redskins brain trust has shown us anything over the years, it’s that they know talent when they see it. Having just a few stars really just serves to make the rest of the players look awful by comparison. Do you know what that does to team morale? While we’re waiting for the off-season to dump those demoralizingly productive key players, it’s important that we bail on the 2014 season entirely and lose out. Sure, that will invariably mean propelling the Cowboys into their first playoff appearance in years, but it’s just the Cowboys. If the Redskins can’t succeed in 2014, we might as well help a division rival. Represent! With a higher draft pick, the Redskins chances of picking future stars increases exponentially!

The Robert Griffin debacle has devolved into a humiliating and drama-filled expose on ineptitude, mismanagement, and incompetence. The read option has been exposed as an abject and unsustainable failure. That’s why we need to reimplement it immediately. 'Reading the Defense’ is so 2013. Let’s not distract our franchise quarterback with a lot of unnecessary details that only clutter up his mind. Run, Robert, run – run for your life (and whenever possible, in the direction of the end zone), sliding (unless headfirst) is optional. In order to maximize Robert’s sense of security and well-being, the Redskins should forego the backup QB position entirely. Let’s face it, if Robert can’t go, we just hire Kirk or Colt off the street for next week’s matchup. And since we’re going to make Griffin the focus of this offense again, we need to get him out there for the public to see. You know, raise his profile a little bit. Mike Wise can help him out with that aspect of things.

I know what you’re thinking. What are the odds that this crazy, revolutionary approach could really work ?

Remember, "If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."

I challenge each of you to embrace your inner Costanza. Because the sad, unmistakable truth is, we’re bald, unemployed, and we live with our parents.

And we all, each of us, pine to hear those special words.

Who ARE YOU George Costanza?
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