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The Last Supper

Through its operatives in the Ashburn area, BGO has obtained secret recordings of the recent Daniel Snyder - Joe Gibbs dinner session. What follows is the transcript of that fateful conversation.

DS: Well Joe, it's certainly a treat to have you back in Redskins territory - I really appreciate your availing yourself to me on such short notice.

JG: Well gee Dan, I figured when the black helicopter appeared at the track with all those guys in riot gear, that was a sure sign from Jesus you needed some help.

DS: Sorry again about the pepper spray Joe - I always tell my crew, save the rough stuff for the assistant coaches, that Jenkins bitch, or anyone who gets in my way. My apologies.

JG: Aww shucks Dan, forget it. You know I'm all about turning the other cheek. And that 2 million for my GamePlanForLife campaign sure took the sting out of my nostrils. So what can I do you for?

WAITER: Good evening Mr. Snyder Sir, it's great to see you sir, as it always is, you know it's a real treat every time sir, can I bring you the usual?

DS: Dammit - haven't I told you a hundred times to avert your eyes when addressing me? Yes - bring me a Jerry Jones, on the rocks. And a Shirley Temple for the coach.

JG: A Jerry Jones?

DS: My own invention. Don't worry, I don't drink the damn thing - I piss in it and leave the tip there. God it's the little pleasures that make life worth living - don't you think so Joe?

JG: Amen sir, amen. So now Dan, you mentioned something about needing my unique experience and knowledge base to help you make a big decision. I had a feeling you might well be calling, and you know how I am about the details. I've taken the liberty of putting together a comprehensive portfolio for each head coaching candidate with a SWOT analysis of each one's talents and potential weaknesses on offense, defense, and special teams, along with recommendations on potential coordinators and assistants that might complement each of them....

DS: Hey - I'm sorry to interrupt you Joe, but I'll be damned if I can focus on what you're saying....that hostess over there - did you see the way she rolled her eyes at me when the waiter spoke to her. I can't have that Joe. You know I can't have that. Does she know who she's screwing with (pounding table with fist)?!

JG: So I've got your top 3 candidates here Dan, and all the detail you'd ever need to hire the best coaching staff out there. Here's Shanny's portfolio, and Jon's, and I've got some great stuff on Billy Cowher here.

DS: Cowher??!!!! Cowher can suck it. That bastard stuck his chin out at me 3 years ago at an NFL Rules meeting. Stuck it right out at me. I had Vinny slash his tires while I glad-handed the sap. Hehehehe. Besides Joe - we can do better than some system guy. You know how I hate systems Joe. All those college boys and their systems - did I ever tell you I made my first million by the time I was twelve Joe?

JG: Well, I believe you may have mentioned....

DS: Hell yes I did. And do you know HOW I made my first million Joe - not by being some systems *****. Systems are for suckers Joe. I did it by scaring the hell out of every other paper boy within 100 miles. I went Tony Soprano on their prepubescent asses Joe.

JG: Oh my...

WAITER: Good evening gentlemen, are you ready to order this evening Mr. Snyder?

DS: This is a special occasion Jeeves - you're serving a 3 time Super Bowl winning coach and the richest, smartest man on the planet - tell the chef we want monkeys tonight - Faces of Death style - he'll know what I mean. And bring an extra mallet for the coach here.

JG: So back to the Redskins Dan - I think if you'll look at the comprehensive 10 year plan I've put together here, you'll see that with the right staff, some hard work, getting some players in here who will really fight their guts out, and of course, God's blessing, we can make this franchise something the great people of Washington will once again call...

DS: Awww hell!!! I got some Jerry Jones all over my damn spankin' new I-phone, and I pissed in it already and everything. Jeeves - get Cerrato on the phone - NOW! I'm sorry now Joe, you were saying something about your 1 year plan?

JG: Uh, that's 10 year plan Dan - 10 see, the secret behind building a winning tradition is laying the groundwork, not just for tomorrow, but creating the structure upon which this franchise can reap the benefits for years to....

DS: Absolutely! I know exactly what you're getting at Joe. That's why I've locked Vinny up for the long-term. No more of this indecisiveness and year-to-year uncertainty. Strike while the iron's hot, that's what I always say - and if you don't have time for that iron to get hot, hit them over the head with it - am I right Joe, am I right?? Jeeves - where are those monkeys?

JG: Well....err... that's certainly ... surprising, I'm speechless in a really good news kind of a way Dan. I know you and Vinny go back a long way. I'm sure with the right experienced coach leading the way, Vinny can do a fine job for you. That's why I've been so judicious in selecting the top 3 candidates, those with proven track records who know how to build a winning tradition, any one of which....

DS: Don't you say another word Joe. There's a reason why I've dominated the free market economy since I was in grade school Joe. Sure - I know all the stuff about 'God's will', 'doing things the right way', and 'earning his good graces' and all - and I know for some people, that works. On the other hand Joe, think about it, would God have given me the kind of brain that makes me smarter than anyone else out there Joe - if he didn't want me to use it?

JG: Well gosh Dan, that's a really hard question to...

DS: Hell no - he wouldn't have! Now I know you've picked out the best of the best Joe - I don't doubt it. And if I wanted to go that experienced competent route, I'd be awfully tempted Joe. But hell - we tried the experienced route Joe, and lets face it, Mister Slip n' Slide just isn't selling jerseys my friend. He's out. Pronto.

DS: No - I've decided to really shake things up this time Joe. I'm going to show all those college boys and naysayers - you know - - the haters Joe - how to make some headlines. Steve Czaban's going to crawl on his knees to the front door of Redskins Park and beg for the privilege of kissing my ass. Wait and see Joe.

JG: But Dan - I'm a little...well, gosh Dan, I'm a little confused. I thought you flew me on up here to help you get this thing straightened out. If you're not interested in Mike, or Jon, or Bill, what exactly did you need my help with?

DS: Rest easy Joe - I've already made my choice. And you're gonna love it too. No one's seen this coming. We're going to shock the world my friend and shut all those critics up forever. I just brought you up here to make the introductions tomorrow in front of those smug bastards from the Post. Joe, meet the next Head Coach of the Washington Redskins.....get your ass over here Top Gun!

JG: In the name of all that is Holy - is can't be...Dan, is that....?

DS: Tom - I'd like you to meet Joe Gibbs. Have you seen 'All the Right Moves' Joe? This kid is a natural - I'm telling you! Super Bowl - here we come! Jeeves, we're gonna need another monkey! Tonight - we celebrate!

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