Shanahan As Clouseau?

I took a break from writing last week because I felt like I didn't have much to add given the sorry state of the Redskins franchise right now. So, yeah, I might as well take the rest of the year off... ha ha, thanks for the support. Sheesh.

Anyway, Sunday morning I wasn't feeling well, so we stayed home from church and watched one of my favorite movies from my youth: The Pink Panther Strikes Again, staring Peter Sellers (not the Steve Martin abomination). You have no idea how much I laughed, and how much I enjoyed watching my 7 year old son laugh at the slapstick time and time again. "Male repetitive humor" is what my mother called it growing up, somewhat derisively, I might add. OK, very derisively, if I'm being honest.

Anyway, I had a blast, and thought one way to bring a little light to Redskins fans suffering the first five game losing streak in ten years would be to use some of my favorite quotes from the movie to illuminate, or perhaps more appropriately make fun of, our favorite team. So without further ado...

Mrs. Leverlilly: You've ruined that piano!
Clouseau: What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that's been committed here?
Mrs. Leverlilly: But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau: Not anymore!

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My dad will smile, guaranteed, when he reads this. Ah yes, the once priceless Redskins organization, now reduced to talk-show fodder and ridicule, thanks to Norv, Spurrier, Zorn and Vinny. One day, fellow fans, one day things will get better, and we will be competitive again.

I hope.

Because if not...

Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.

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...this will be our reaction when other people ask us if we are fans of the Redskins. Sad, but true. If it doesn't get better soon, Shanahan will come under fire, and we will assume this will have been his conversation with Snyder when hired:

Quinlan: You'll need help.
Clouseau: I prefer to do this alone.
Quinlan: Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect, he probably has an army behind him.
Clouseau: Of course it won't be easy; nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.

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And if Shanny failes, this pretty much sums up our reaction as fans:

Clouseau: [after listening to Dreyfus singing "Over the Rainbow" at the insane asylum] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.
Dreyfus: [quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permite, "repeat," not permit anything..."repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!
[kisses Clouseau's cheeks]
Dreyfus: And then I will have my meeting with the sanitary commision where I will set free! And then...
[gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]
Dreyfus: I will kill you!
[starts choking him]
Clouseau: [running away] Francois! Start the car!
Dreyfus: [chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!

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This next quote illustrates nicely the conversations between Kyle and Papa Shanahan about the lack of a running game. Just substitute in "running game" when you read "murder" and you will get the idea:

Clouseau: There is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
Mrs. Japonica: Murder?
Clouseau: What was that you said?
Mrs. Japonica: I said "murder".
Clouseau: What murder?
Mrs. Japonica: I-I-I don't know, y-you said "murder".
Clouseau: I said murder? *You* said murder!
Mrs. Japonica: No, I said murder because *You* said murder.
Clouseau: *I* said murder?
Mr. Shork: You said there is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.

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And here is Kyle having a discussion with the Running Backs coach:

Clouseau: Look, there is no need for you to speak unless I ask you a question. What is your name?
Mr. Shork: I'm Shork, the gardener.
Clouseau: What is it you do?
Mr. Shork: I'm the gardener.
Clouseau: Then why didn't you say that to me in the first place?
Mr. Shork: I did.
Clouseau: Don't try to be funny with me, monsieur!

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Well, I hope you enjoyed this little diversion. Fear not, fellow fans, things will get better. Shanny is laying a foundation for future success, we will draft OLinemen, a franchise QB and keep filling in holes and depth over the next two years, culminating in a sustained period of excellence from 2013 on.

I hope.

And if not, if it all goes to hell, this illustrates nicely what we will be saying to each other:

Clouseau: [on the phone] Hello?... Yes. There is a beautiful woman in my bed, and a dead man in my bath.

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