A Burgundy and Gold Obsession
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Cake or Death?

"Can your heart stand the shocking facts about Graverobbers from Outer Space?"

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Well, can it?

"Can your heart stand the shocking facts about Graverobbers from Outer Space?"

Thus begins, quite possibly, the worst movie ever made. I am referring of course to "Plan 9 from Outer Space". If you have not rented Ed Wood's masterpiece, Netflix it today. You won't regret it.

"We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown... the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here."

A former boss loaned it to me several years ago. I went home with it, telling my wife about it, enduring her eye rolling. "Why are we watching the worst movie ever made again?" was a fairly common refrain in our living room that evening.

Until we actually started watching it. Sure the eye rolling continued for a little while, until we saw hubcaps (with strings attached that catch fire in one scene - totally serious here) used as flying saucers, saw night change to day, back to night, back to day all in the same scene! We witnessed impossibly bad acting, unbelievable dialog (I will be sprinkling some examples throughout this post), and just a generally crappy movie.

By the end, we were laughing at the absurdity of it. You know how they say to watch action movies, you have to suspend your disbelief? Yeah, well you're gonna need a truck-full of suspenders to believe this movie. It's that bad.

Sound familiar?

I have done a 180 on the Bears game since yesterday, when I posted I will remember this as a win, but want to not remember any details about the game.

Screw that! That game was so bad, it is epically memorable.

Surely I wasn't the only one laughing when Cutler threw an interception, followed by McNabb seeming determined to match it, and doing so, only for Cutler to proudly declare: "anything you can do, I can do . . . worse?"?

Just didn't make any sense. Kinda like this (nice segue, right?)

"Take a can of your gasoline. Say this can of gasoline is the sun. Now, you spread a thin line of it to a ball, representing the earth. Now, the gasoline represents the sunlight, the sun particles. Here we saturate the ball with the gasoline, the sunlight. Then we put a flame to the ball. The flame will speedily travel around the earth, back along the line of gasoline to the can, or the sun itself. It will explode this source and spread to every place that gasoline, our sunlight, touches. Explode the sunlight here, gentlemen, you explode the universe. Explode the sunlight here and a chain reaction will occur direct to the sun itself and to all the planets that sunlight touches, to every planet in the universe. This is why you must be stopped. This is why any means must be used to stop you. In a friendly manner or as (it seems) you want it. "


But here's the thing. We won. Yeah, I know, doesn't feel like a win. But that's the joy of being a fan. You and I don't have to sit in the team meetings today and tomorrow and review that crapfest of a game, breaking down exactly how the string caught on fire, or why in God's name Armstrong dropped the perfect pass from McNabb in the first; we don't have to discuss why the same scene was photographed by two different cameras at two different times of the day, or why Torain seemed determined to give the Bears new life through fumbling.

We're fans! We get to laugh and enjoy the W.

So go ahead and laugh. At least we won.

Besides, it could be worse:
"The grief from his wife's death became greater and greater agony. The home they had so long shared became a tomb, a sweet memory of her joyous living. The sky to which he had once looked was now only a covering for her dead body. The ever-beautiful flowers she had planted with her own hands became nothing more than the lost roses of her cheeks. Confused by his great loss, the old man left that home... never to return again!
[brakes screech and the old man screams] "

Seriously, go rent it. Enjoy it. Realize it is the perfect storm of bad. It will make you savor the good movies that much more. Just like this game should make you savor the good games that much more.
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  1. Om's Avatar
    Great perspective ... I'm on board.

    I actually didn't have that far to go though. Given how the last 20 years have largely gone, it will be a while before a win---any win, any way, any how, against any body---is any thing less than special.

    That said, this one was special in a way you often see used these days in a fashion not necessarily connoting awesomeness.

    4-3 though. The four looks good enough to where I ain't parsin' it.